Our Story

We’d been together for over 7 years when we found out we were pregnant with our first baby.

We were ecstatic, we couldn't wait to be parents and start this new chapter of our lives together. We’d just moved into our first home together, I’d just started a new job that I was loving, and now this? Life couldn't have got any better at that point!

My pregnancy was pretty straight forward. No major issues along the way, most appointments were picture perfect. I’d had one extra growth scan due to a drop on the growth chart at a midwife appointment but she was perfect, there were no concerns. Her heart rate was always perfect and she was always growing at the rate she should have been. There was no indication at any point that suggested our baby girl wouldn't make it into this world.

Until the morning of 13th June 2024, I woke up as normal and did my usual morning routine that I'd began since I started maternity leave 2 weeks before. I tried to keep myself busy in the mornings as this was when I felt the most productive. I started to get tired as the days went on. I finished prepping everything in Freya's room, I’d finished her washing and wanted to get the rest of her clothes put away. I then decided to have a bath, and that's when I realised that something wasn't right.

She was always so active, I used to laugh with everyone about how active she was and always said she was definitely going to be a gymnast. I always thought throughout my pregnancy how lucky I was to not have had to worry about her movements, because she always let me know she was doing okay in there. Just the night before, me and Stephen were watching her wiggle away, like we did every night. She was especially active in the bath and I loved laying there and watching her go. Except this time was different, I laid there and watched as nothing happened and started to question whether I'd even felt her move all morning. 10 minutes went by, and nothing. I knew this wasn't like her so I started messaging my partner, Stephen, to tell him I was worried. He was always so reassuring and positive, after all, we’d had no reason throughout my whole pregnancy to think anything could ever go wrong.

I decided to ring triage and go get checked out just to put my mind at ease. Luckily Stephen was already finishing work early that day so we were able to go together. I genuinely thought I’d be in and out, they’d monitor this little monkey who was just being lazy and I’d be home and in bed that night watching her wiggle away as normal.

However, what happened next couldn't be further from what I expected.

I laid on the hospital bed as the midwife tried to get our daughters heartbeat, watching her struggle as we heard nothing.

She tried for what felt like eternity but it was probably only a couple of minutes, until she said she was going to get a doctor to come and scan me as she might just be in an awkward position. At that point I knew something was wrong, I remember looking at Stephen and saying "somethings wrong, why couldn't she find it?" and he didn't say a word.

We waited again for what felt like eternity for the doctor to arrive. She started the ultrasound and I didn't even need her to say the words, I knew.

She looked at us and said the words that would change the course of our lives forever. "There's no heartbeat". It still amazes me that just 5 seconds can change so much, all the plans, hopes and dreams you had for your little baby, taken away, just like that.

I can still hear the scream I let out. After all, how could this be happening when she was absolutely fine and active as ever the night before?

I asked the midwife to call my Mum, I needed her there with us. I can't imagine how she felt when she got that phone call, but I knew I couldn't make it myself. The midwife didn't tell her the news, she just asked her to come. I sat there just waiting for her, trying to find the words to tell her that her granddaughter had died. She walked into the room and all I could do was scream "Mum, they said she has no heartbeat". I can still see her face now. I knew she wanted the world to swallow her up at that moment, but she pulled herself together for us, she wrapped her arms around me and Stephen. The three of us just sat on that hospital bed, bawling into each other’s arms.

We got moved into one of the bereavement rooms. I remember sitting there feeling completely numb.

Stephen made phone calls and told everyone that needed to know at that point, I still don't know how he did it. He amazes me every day and I couldn't be more proud of him for being able to do that.

As I sat there, it suddenly hit me. Freya was still in my tummy and she needed to come out somehow. I turned to my Mum and said "Am I going to have to give birth to her?". She told me she didn't know and I screamed "I can't Mum, I can't". The midwife came in not long after and my Mum asked her, she said yes.

We went through my options and after some consideration I decided that I’d rather be induced over a C-Section as that came with more complications and a harder recovery. I sat there and listened to the doctor talk about tests that can be done on myself and Freya after she was born, but to be prepared for there to be no answers. That, sometimes these things just happen and they don't find a cause. That our baby girl had just died and they may never be able to tell us why.

They let us go home that night, and we’d have to go back the next day to start the process.

I didn't sleep that night, I sat on the sofa with my Mum and Stephen and sobbed. None of us could believe that this was actually happening. How that morning I was preparing her room for her arrival, and that night I was sitting there knowing she wasn't even going to be coming home.

The next morning, I had to get ready to go and give birth to my first baby. The day I’d been waiting for, for what had felt like forever was finally here, but it just wasn't the way I’d always thought it would be.

We got to the hospital at 12pm, it was around 2pm when they started to induce me, by midnight that night I was in active labour. I was moved to a delivery room, I pushed for 29 minutes and brought our baby girl into the world, sleeping, on 15th June 2024 at 00:42.

The silence in the room when she was born is something that I’ll remember forever. There wasn't a baby crying, there was no midwife congratulating me. Just silence.

The midwife asked if I wanted to hold her, I hesitated but I don't know why, because I knew I wanted her. I’d already told the midwife I wanted her straight away so that we could still do skin to skin, but my body was in shock.

Eventually, my Mum grabbed me and asked if I wanted her, I looked at my Mum and she said "she's beautiful". I was passed my baby girl and I couldn't believe how perfect she was.

She had so much hair, the most perfect button nose and looked so much like her Daddy. I finally had my baby girl in my arms but I’d never felt so sad and heartbroken at the same time.

I didn't hold her for long, I struggled after birth and was sick, Stephen and my Mum held her whilst they sorted me out, then the midwife's took her to weigh her.

She was 54cm and weighed 6lb 6oz. They did her hand and feet prints and got her dressed into the baby grow we’d picked out, they took us back into the bereavement room where she was placed in a cold cot.

We spent 2 days in that room, 2 days with our girl. I remember staring at her for hours just trying to take in every last detail of her so that I’d never forget a thing. We took photos, had her hand and foot prints done in clay, changed her a couple of times into our favourite baby grows and had all the cuddles we could.

It was Father's Day that Sunday, so Stephen got to spend his first one with his girl, he watched the football with her in his arms, something that I knew he couldn't wait to do when she was born. We took our one and only family photo and told her about everyone that loves her along with all the plans we had for her future.

It was the hardest but most special 2 days of my life.

On the Monday, we had to go home. We woke up that morning and had to start making arrangements for our daughters funeral. We had to go and register her stillbirth so that the funeral directors could come and collect our precious girl.

We were asked if we wanted Freya at home with us until the funeral, but we decided together that would be too hard, to have her where she should be and have her taken away again. When they arrived at the hospital to pick her up, I remember holding her in my arms and sobbing at the midwife, I wasn't ready to let her go. They gave us a bit longer and I held her tight until it was time. I had to put my baby into a Moses Basket and hand her to a stranger so that she could go to a funeral home.

We walked downstairs with her and gave her a kiss goodbye, we watched as our daughter was put in the back of a strangers car, we were now going home without her. I’d just given birth and I was leaving the hospital without my baby.

Life after that would never be the same again.