Uncle Rhys and Auntie Holly’s Point of View

Uncle Rhys

The Uncle to be

The excitement was real, my little sister is having a baby! The thoughts of holding my niece, spending time with her and my sister on my days off and seeing my two kids having another cousin to love. I couldn’t wait for her to come into this world. And I couldn’t wait for my sister to show to everyone how much she would love and adore her precious daughter.

The day that tore us all apart

Days come and go and certain days you remember blips however, I still remember every little detail of that day. Mum said Robyn had gone in because Freya wasn’t moving as she normally does, it hit me hard with instant worry but I didn’t show it, I just sat there and agreed that it’s all routine, she’ll be fine. I then went upstairs to work, if you can call it that because I barely did anything, my mind was having a full on debate - what if she’s not okay? Don’t be silly she’s fine, nothing bad is going to happen. All this playing over constantly.

A few hours later and mum stands at the bottom of the stairs holding back the tears saying she’s been asked to go to the hospital and asking me why they’ve not told her on the phone what’s wrong. Again, I tried to show no emotion, said it was fine and to go. I knew at this point the worst news possible was about to hit us all. But you still have that optimism in your head saying stop thinking this, at worst she’s just had a few complications. The wait to hear any news felt like a lifetime, you just want to hear the words from someone that Robyn and Freya are okay.

Then the phone call came, mum didn’t have to say anything, I don’t even think I said anything, it was just mum crying followed by myself running upstairs not wanting my kids to see their dad crying his eyes out, I don’t know why I did that, it was just my instant reaction and thinking at the time. It must have been a short 2 minute call followed by me staying upstairs because my brain was having a full on meltdown. I eventually did move to see Holly at the bottom of the stairs. Again, nothing needed to be said, we just hugged, cried and gave our kids a massive family cuddle before dad came round to grieve with us.

It was probably the hardest day of my life, which makes it impossible to imagine how hard it was/is for Robyn & Stephen.

The little sister you cherish

I’ve had countless debates with my dad about this, if I’m completely honest I think because he doesn’t have any siblings he may simply not be able to grasp my feelings. But as an older brother, you have (or at least I have because I can’t speak for everyone) this protective instinct you can’t explain and you know you would do everything in your power to keep them safe. So for this to happen to my little sister was soul destroying. The sibling you’ve grown up with, loathed and loved has just had her whole life shattered in one day and there’s nothing you can do to help. All the feelings I had in the past when we were kids were amplified on a scale no one can comprehend.

The guilt that doesn’t go away

You’ve spent months telling your sister with excitement what you want to do when Freya’s born. You’ve made it known how much you can’t wait for her to arrive and you can’t wipe the smile off your face every time you think about it.

You then get told of the news and you think about all the times you said these things. You feel so guilty for what now feels like selfishly showing and saying all these things. You feel so naive and ignorant for thinking nothing like this would happen and you can’t help but feel guilty for having 2 kids of your own without any complications.

I know people’s responses will be “you weren’t meant to know” but that doesn’t stop the guilt of showing this excitement to your sister who’s lost her child. I know she’ll say I’m silly but I am sorry for that Robyn, I’m truly sorry for planting those thoughts of us doing those things.

Freya’s funeral

A beautiful day for my sister’s daughter, the sun was truly shining for her.

I remember standing outside not wanting Robyn & Stephen to arrive because you knew what was going to unfold. When they arrived and I saw Robyn in tears I just wanted with all my heart to try and take all the pain away. She and Stephen were so brave though, It’s impossible to imagine what they were going through throughout all of this but they did Freya proud. I will also be forever grateful and honoured to carry Freya alongside her father, uncle and grandfather. That will stay with me forever.

A message to my sister

Robyn, I can’t begin to comprehend what you’ve gone through and what you’re going through. Just know that me, Holly and the kids will always be by your side. We’ll ensure that Freya’s name lives on and the kids will always know they’ve got a beautiful cousin who is a sleeping angel.

You’ve shown immense bravery throughout all this and I’m so proud of how you’ve made Freya’s name live on with your blog. A truly amazing mother. I love you.

A message to Stephen

Mate, what a man you are. To go through this and have the strength to be there for Robyn is just immense. You’ll always be held in the highest regard because you’re simply amazing mate. I love you.

A message to Mum

Robyn has been amazing throughout but it’s clear to see that a massive part of that is due to her having a loving, caring mother that would climb mountains for her children. You’ve done just that. Obviously you’ll downplay this by saying “that’s what mothers do” but I sincerely hope you can take a step back and acknowledge your role in being everything and more to help your daughter, dads daughter, mine and Michelle’s sister not only get through this but to help in keeping Freya’s name alive. I love you.

A message to Dad

We’ve grieved Freya’s loss together along with Holly and we’ve helped each other by just being there. Like Robyn and mum, you’re a parent but also a best friend and I couldn’t have imagined not having you during this. I love you.

A message to Holly

You’ve acted as another sister to Robyn. Always messaging, always finding the right things to say and always being there for both me & Robyn. I know I’m lucky to have you, but I think I can speak for my side of the family in saying we’re all lucky to have you. I love you.

Auntie Holly

Thursday the 13th June will be forever etched into my mind as one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced from so many different angles.

I was working upstairs when I heard Louise shout up “I need to go, the midwife has just rang and all she said was I need to go, why do I need to go? Why didn’t she say anything else” the panic on her face, I can’t get it out of my mind.

Rhys and I sat in silence for what felt like hours, waiting to hear from Louise. He ran upstairs and I just knew. I could hear him, he came downstairs and we held each other and sobbed. The kids came and cuddled us and we all just held each other for what felt like an eternity. Mick opened the door and came to join us, he didn’t want to be alone. We mainly sat in silence, what was there we could say? We were all heartbroken, a dad for his daughter and granddaughter, a brother for his sister and niece… me for everyone, including my girls who were so excited to meet their baby cousin Freya.

Thinking about Robyn going to a similar sort of appointment that I’d been to in the past, but hearing such a different outcome absolutely shattered me. I couldn’t understand. How could this be happening to someone who had done everything right? How could this be happening to someone who was ready to be the best mum?

The days that followed, silence, just always silence. We couldn’t talk. We couldn’t process it. How was it fair that we had 2 little girls and Robyn didn’t have hers? Our niece, Freya, gone. All of the plans that we had made together, all the memories we were going to make, taken away before we got the chance to make them. Every time we thought about Robyn or Freya we cried.

Robyn and Stephen’s strength as a couple is something that fills my heart with complete love. The way they look at each other, the way they hold each other and the comfort they give to each other just from a look. They’ve lost their daughter but they’re the strongest they’ve ever been together. They will get their next baby and they will be the most incredible parents, I have no doubt about that. Stephen you’re the best, never change!

Freya’s funeral day will always be one of the hardest things that we’ll ever have to do as a family. Seeing Robyn unable to get out of the funeral car and hearing her sobbing shattered everyone’s hearts into pieces, I still wake up hearing that noise some nights. Seeing Freya’s daddy, uncles and grandad carrying her little Moses basket into the funeral, the strength they all had, hearing the special words that Robyn had written, listening to the perfect poems and beautiful songs. The sun shone so bright for the most beautiful angel, it was a beautiful day. My heart will never be the same again. Robyn and Stephen were in autopilot, they did it because they had to, but they did it and my god should they be proud. Every day they did more and more difficult things and it felt like the difficult things would never stop coming for them.

The first few times we met up it broke my heart to see the love of my life holding his baby sister, no words just silence, the tightest cuddles and the floods of tears. Each time we’ve met we’ve spoken more and more. Robyn asked us if we wanted to see Freya’s pictures, and yes Freya’s as beautiful as you’d think. The longest legs, the cutest little hands and feet and the most perfect little face. Such a beautiful, perfect little angel. I’ll remember them pictures and the way they made me feel forever.

Heidi and Harriet are too young to fully understand what has happened but they understand enough. They know that baby Freya has gone to heaven, “she’s with the sunshine” as Heidi says. They know aunty Robyn is sad, but by god do they show her they care every time they see her. They run to her with open arms, excited to see their amazing aunty. Every time we’ve met up, Harriet has found a feather and given it to Robyn, we don’t know why, but we know it’s a sign from Freya. Heidi always twiddles Robyn’s necklace that has a picture of Freya and a lock of her hair inside. It’s like they can feel her with us. But it breaks my heart to see Robyn upset when she’s around them, I can see her brain ticking, Freya should be here with us, she’ll always be with us. Our 3 girls.

Robyn, you’re amazing. Your strength and determination each day is inspiring. You achieve more and more each day and you’re channeling your energy in the perfect ways for you. Grief is not a straight line and you’re navigating it in your way, at your pace and that’s so admirable. Keep writing your beautiful posts, keep spreading Freya’s story and never stop. I’m so proud of you little sis 🩷