Two years later

If you were to ask me 2 years ago, where I thought I would be 2 years later - I probably would have told you that I’d no longer be here and that’s the honest truth. I didn’t think I could survive this heartache of losing a child for so long, yet here I am, still doing it every single day.

Life has changed massively since that day, the day we were told our darling girls heart had stopped beating. We were very lucky to fall pregnant again, just 2 weeks before Freya’s 1st birthday with her beautiful baby brother, Charlie, who arrived safely in January. He is the absolute light of our lives and I truly believe this boy was heaven sent by his big sister to heal our hearts in ways that he will never understand. So now our lives pretty much revolve around nappies, milkies, nap schedules and lots and lots of fun with the happiest little boy we are lucky enough to call our son.

But the pain hasn’t gone, as much as people on the outside might think it has - it’s still very much there, just a little bit further down most days. Some days, it’s very much at the forefront of our minds, like the days where Charlie hits a new milestone or the days when we see a little brother and sister running around, or a little girl around Freya's age. One thing having our rainbow baby did was make us realise just what we lost with Freya and it opened a whole new wave of grief that I wasn’t ready for. What do you mean this is what I missed out on? This is the most magical experience of my life and I never got to have that with her.

I get sad when I see siblings together, especially brother and sister. I know we may be lucky enough to give Charlie a living sibling one day but I also feel so sad for him that he will never experience having an older sibling like he should have. I am the youngest of 3 so it’s something I think I’m grieving for him as I’ve experienced it myself.

I still grieve being a girl mum. That doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely adore being Charlie’s mum, boy mum life is so much fun! But sometimes I think back to her pretty little dresses hung in her room, the bows for her hair and all the pretty pink things! The girls clothes aisle still triggers me. I think it’s because I was prepared and very much ready to be a girl Mum and I was so excited for what having a little girl was going to bring. I still struggle with knowing I may never get that one day.

We recently celebrated Freya’s 2nd birthday and I naively thought this year would be different, I’ve done her birthday once, it’ll be easier this time. It doesn’t get easier, you just know what to expect. The grief hit me massively and the only thing that kept me going was having our boy with us this year to celebrate. We started a new tradition and took Charlie on his first caravan holiday to celebrate, something we’re hoping to do every year for Freya’s birthday now so he knows it’s something to celebrate. We also had a little party for her with our friends and family where we had lots of games and cake! It’s still so nice to see so many people show up for her.

A lot of people ask me what people are like in regard to our grief now that we’re 2 years on and honestly, to put it bluntly, some people are shit. But, others are still just as incredible as they were from day one.

I think people expect you to be okay when your rainbow baby comes along. “Oh, they’ve got another baby now so it’s fine” is what I’m pretty sure a lot of people think. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. Baby loss grief is a grief like no other and it should not be treat like normal grief in my opinion. We are not supposed to say goodbye to our children first. Charlie doesn’t replace Freya, he is simply our 2nd child and her sibling. Would you tell someone who’s lost one parent that they’ve got another one so they should be okay? No, you wouldn’t. My advice as the years go on, expect less because at least that way, you can’t be disappointed.

There are still many people that show up for Freya in ways we will always be grateful for. People tell me to concentrate on them but I do find that difficult. Just because Freya isn’t here doesn’t mean I don’t have that ‘mum instinct’ to protect her and I think I get overprotective when it comes to protecting her memory so when people are dismissive towards her or our grief, I really struggle.

Some positive things to come out of the last 2 years though - I survived pregnancy after loss! Something that I may write about in another post one day. I socialise again, sometimes even making the plans myself and not forcing myself to go out for other people. I spend more time with the other babies in my life. I’m looking forward to returning to work after maternity leave (not the part when I have to leave Charlie though, that terrifies me!) and I do truly believe I am somewhat ‘better’. I’m not okay, I’m not the old me again, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I never will be. I am someone different now, I am Freya and Charlie’s Mum and I live a life where grief and joy coexists. I get up every day for not only Charlie, but for Freya as well, I do it to make both my babies proud!

I think it’s important to acknowledge that it took me a full two years to get to this point, to a point where I have some sort of life again, and it has not been an easy ride. I’ve taken many steps back along the way, and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. I still can’t do everything, I’m still very much triggered by a lot of things, but I do believe life is worth living again, and if you're at the beginning of this awful journey, I want you to know that one day, you will believe it again too.